


My Vacation With Karl Urban

by KCgirl



Category: Star Trek RPF, Urbine - Fandom
Genre: Chris Pine is an American citizen, Chris doesn't tan, Chris is terrified of lizards, Chris looks good in Raybans, Chris loves Karl, Chris loves Karl's kids, Indy Saves the Day, Karl is a bronze god, Karl is a militant about packing, Karl is also good at apologizing, Karl is kind of an ass, Karl likes practical jokes, Karl loves Chris, Karls kids love Chris, M/M, Summer Vacation, There is no sex on family vacations, Vacations are not for lounging, airport angst with humor
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2014-07-16
Updated: 2014-07-16
Packaged: 2018-02-09 02:16:36
Rating: Not Rated
Warnings: Creator Chose Not To Use Archive Warnings
Chapters: 1
Words: 7,181
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/1965162
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/KCgirl/pseuds/KCgirl
Summary: <blockquote class="userstuff">
              <p>Chris explains the intricacies of a vacation with Karl Urban - Master Packer, Uber-Planner and practical joker. It's not all it's cracked up to be.</p><p>Please note, this is a work of fiction, that I hope is never seen by Chris or Karl.</p>
            </blockquote>





	My Vacation With Karl Urban

**Author's Note:**

> Thank you to WeWillSpockYou, my fellow lover of all things Urbine, for coming up with this challenge. She is a great friend and constantly inspires me to work on my writing. Special thanks to readithoney, my writing buddy and cheerleader, who helps me look at stories in new ways, and makes me laugh, and to NaughtyPastryChef, for giving this a sneak peak, and asking for a possible sequel... Enjoy. URBINE FOREVER!!

Sounds awesome doesn’t it? 

VACATION WITH KARL URBAN 

Some charity could auction off that shit and make a small fortune! People the world over would line up for tickets. 

I know you’re picturing some tranquil, pristine beach, a cabana with fruity drinks, and Karl...Karl with his perfectly tanned chest, smiling at you. Giving you that look like he’s gonna eat you alive...gives me shivers just thinking about it... Anyway, yeah, Karl, all bronzed and gorgeous, lounging with you in various locations.

I pictured that too, but let me tell you, that is NOT what goes down when Karl Urban is your cruise director! I’m sure you’ve heard the phrase, “working vacation?” That is a much more accurate description of what you’re in for with Karl. 

He would tell you that he’s just trying to help you “make the most of your time.” Whatever. I can make the most of my time with a long nap, a book, an alcoholic beverage, and a nice side of hot Kiwi at my disposal. I don’t need to have every second planned. 

Don’t get me wrong, I love the guy. I’m crazy about him, and we have plenty of awesome, romantic moments...at least enough to keep me coming back to Karl’s Vacation Bootcamp, but Jesus…the guy never quits. Last time, it started before we even left:

“Hey, I’m watching that Mermaid documentary on Discovery. It’s kinda cool. Come watch with me.” 

I put my arms around his waist and peer over his shoulder into the suitcase. He’s already packing, and I haven’t even thought about it.

“It’s not a real documentary Chris.” He leans down to fold a t-shirt and I hold on.

“So? Suspend your disbelief and come sit with me on the couch.”

“Wanna finish packing first. How are you coming along?”

“We’re not leaving until Monday.” I point out.

“So you haven’t even started?”

“We’re going to the beach. Not like I need a lot.” At that moment, something catches my eye, and I step forward to take a sweater out of the suitcase. A sweater at the beach. WTF?

“Expecting a polar shift while we’re in Miami?”

“I like to be prepared.” he says, a little indignant.

“Well I don’t know about you, but I’m prepared for sun and sand.”

“I want to do other things, too,” he says.

“Don’t need clothes for that either.”

I wink at him and he smiles a little, but then says, “Other things, Chris. There’s a lot to see down there.”

This kind of kills my mood, ‘cause I think we all know how much I don’t love being recognized in public. I know it goes with the territory but still… Anyway, I decide to go back to my pseudo-documentary before I really get mad, and when I turn around I almost trip over another pile of stuff.

“Be careful.” Karl admonishes. “That’s the staging area.”

Again, what the fuck? It’s like we’re preparing for a damn rocket launch. I give him a death glare, and I try to bite my tongue before I tell him what he can do with his “staging area”, but I can’t stand it.

“Seriously Karl? You’ve started stressing before we even get there.”

“I’m not stressing. I just like to be ready. It’s better than running around at the last minute.”

I totally get the thinly-veiled reference to my own packing style, and I am officially done with this conversation.

I turn on my heel and I’m almost out the door when he stops me.

“Hold on a minute.” 

“What?” 

I bite out the word without turning around. Somehow he can always make me feel like I’m about fifteen, and then I start acting like it.

“I uh...got you something for the trip.”

I consider going through with my grand exit, but my curiosity gets the better of me. He knew it would too. Asshole.

“What is it?” I’m trying to sound like I could care less.

He pulls a little bag out of his suitcase and tosses it over to me. I reach in and pull out a leather glasses case, glancing up at him. He nods encouragingly, so I open it.

Inside is a pair of Ray-Ban aviators, kind of like the ones I was looking at last week, but these are a little nicer.

My last pair of sunglasses got buried in the couch cushions, and somebody, one of us or the kids, broke them. I’d been meaning to get a new pair, but of course, hadn’t gotten around to it.

Now I feel like a total jerk for getting mad. So he’s got a little OCD when it comes to packing, there are worse things, right?

“These are great.” I feel kind of shy now, especially since Karl is smiling at me.

“I thought they’d look good on you.” he steps forward and takes them out of my hand, then pushes them on gently, resting them on my nose.

“I was right.” he says softly. “If you have to cover up those eyes, it’s gotta be with the right pair of shades.”

I can feel myself blushing as he leans forward to kiss me.

“Thank you. Sorry about...um…”

“Did you pause the thing on Discovery?”

Now he’s taking the glasses off, since I seem to be unable to move or speak at the moment. Nothing unusual really, Karl sometimes has that effect on people when he stands too close.

“Yeah.” 

“If you wanna hand me those t-shirts, I’ll get ‘em packed and then we can watch. Sound good?”

I bend down to do as I’m told, and he grabs my ass, which means we probably won’t be watching much TV. Either way, though, it’s cool.

The great thing about Karl is, he’s the perfect combination of nerdy and sexy. He’ll watch some half-ass docu-drama about mermaids, and seriously discuss the possibility that they actually do exist. Then, once you’ve exhausted the topic, he’ll play out your fantasy about the lonely lighthouse keeper and the merman. It’s a win-win situation!

*****************************

 

Something that’s not a win-win...running to catch your flight, or worse yet, being detained by security. We’ve done that scene too. 

Now we laugh about it...well, I laugh about it. Karl just shakes his head in disbelief. The one time I wanted to play the “celebrity” card, it didn’t work. Figures. Let me explain:

 

“Do you have it Chris?” Karl has a smile plastered on his face, but his body is tensed up like a spring. 

“I thought I did…” I’m patting furiously at my pockets and starting to break out in a sweat.

“I had it earlier when we got here.” I hand the security lady my boarding pass, praying that will be proof enough that, yes, I really am Chris Pine. 

“Are you a U.S. citizen Mr. Pine?” 

Karl and I glance at each other. Seriously?

“Yes, I am.” I try to sound reassuring rather than pissed off.

“I didn’t want to assume.” she says as she makes a check mark on her clipboard. 

Karl looks at his watch again, and the boys look back and forth between me and their dad anxiously. I’m getting nervous now, realizing that we might not make it on the plane.

“Did you leave it in the restroom?” Karl asks patiently, like he’s talking to one of his kids. 

Actually, he wouldn’t be asking one of his kids that question. They’re allowed to carry their own passports. Apparently that’s part of the Urban family birthright. The rest of us are just air-headed morons. But I digress…

“No. I didn’t.” I return his tight-lipped smile, but it’s more of a grimace at this point. I can hear his watch ticking down the time we have left. 

“Go check Hunter. Then come right back here.” Karl’s looking at me when he says this, and Hunter glances between the two of us, like he’s not sure what to do.

“I just told you..” I start to protest, but Karl ignores me.

“Now, please.” 

The boy jogs off toward the men’s room, which is just across the terminal.

“Do you have any other form of photo ID with you Mr. Pine? Maybe a passport?”

Security Chick and Karl both look at me hopefully, and I don’t even try to keep from rolling my eyes. 

“I’m traveling inside the US. I didn’t think I would need it.”

“Of course not.” 

“What was that?” I look pointedly at Karl, and he shrugs his shoulders at me.

“Couldn’t find it Dad.” Hunter appears again, empty-handed of course.

“Told you.” I say it indignantly, like I’m not the one who’s just screwed up our vacation. 

Karl looks at his fucking watch again, as though we don’t all already know that we’re screwed at this point. 

I’m digging my nails into my hand to keep from losing it. 

“Ma’am,” Karl gives her his sweetest smile, and steps forward a bit. “He already has his boarding pass. Are you sure there’s nothing…”

“You and your children are free to board Mr. Urban,” She looks at him, obviously unmoved. “I have to follow procedure before Mr. Pine can be released.”

“Released?” 

My voice quivers a little, and I vow right then never to leave the house again without my passport, and a copy of my birth certificate.

“Hey Dad?” 

“If I could just take a quick look at your passports please?” 

“Dad?” 

Karl glances down at his youngest son, and then at me, as he takes his passport out of his pocket. 

“Not right now Indy.” 

The boy is standing next to me, chewing on his lip, and I’m contemplating the very real possibility that Karl and the kids will be leaving without me. 

I think I may throw up.

Security Chick is writing on her clipboard again. “These look fine. Everything is in order.” She has the gaul to smile as she hands them back.

“Dad…”

“Indiana.” Karl uses “the tone”, and Indy clamps his mouth shut. I feel his little hand brush against my jeans and look down at him. 

“Is this it, Chris?”

He’s holding my driver’s license in his hand. 

He looks up at me with his sweet, open face, and I’m so relieved that I kind of stagger and bump against the chair right next to me. Karl hears the squeak that comes out of my mouth and his eyes go wide with shock.

“Where did you…”

“It was in his back pocket. That’s what I wanted to tell you Dad.”

I let out a laugh and scoop him up in a bear hug. He hugs me back and whispers, “We can get on the plane now, right?” 

I nod my head and blink back actual tears. Karl, meanwhile, snatches the ID out of my hand and thrusts it under Security Chick’s nose. 

Turns out, the woman does have a heart, because she calls ahead and tells the guy at the gate that we’re on the way. They hold the plane even though they already announced the final boarding call, and we’re so busy sprinting to the gate that I don’t think about it until we’re actually boarding.

“You were going to leave without me.” It’s more of a statement than an accusation at this point...I’m out of breath and still trying to process.

“What?” Karl turns around as he’s handing the flight attendant his ticket.

Just then the flight attendant says something to him about the available seats in First Class and I realize we have yet another problem.

Hunter and Indy’s seats are open, so Karl puts their carry on bags in the overhead space and motions for them to sit down. I can tell Hunter wants to ask about his iPod, but he’s smart enough to know that now is not the time.

I see one other empty seat behind Hunter’s, and that’s it. Fuck.

“I’m sorry...we didn’t think you would make the flight and we had one passenger on standby…” 

The flight attendant looks at us nervously. 

“Just one, huh?” I can’t keep the sarcasm out of my voice.

She nods, and I wonder absently what she’d do if I just went batshit crazy. I could totally do it, but I don’t want to scare the kids. 

“So what you’re trying to tell me is, I don’t have a seat. Right?”

“I’m sorry Mr. Pine.” Fuck. 

“I believe there are still some seats in coach if you’d…”

“Fine.” I start down the aisle with my bag, and Karl is right behind me.

“Chris…”

“Don’t talk to me.” I seethe. 

“It’s not…”

I turn around so fast that we almost bump heads. It registers for a second that Karl really looks worried, and I have to admit, that was satisfying. It takes a lot to unsettle Karl Urban.

In the next second, I see this lady that kind of looks like my grandmother, staring at me, and I remember that we’re in the middle of the aisle on a packed 747. People are watching, and with my luck, they’re taking pictures with their cell phones right now. 

“You made it on the fucking plane. That was your main objective right?”  
I’m trying to whisper so that no one else can hear me, and I’m suddenly so angry and upset that I’m shaking.

He looks at me for a second, then glances down at his waiting seat.

“I wasn’t going to...I mean…”

“Chris?” Again, Indy’s voice cuts into our conversation. Remembering that the kids are there helps me to keep my head, at least a little.

“I thought you were gonna sit with me?” I glare at Karl, and then bend down to talk to his son.

Just let me say right now, that Karl’s kids have a place in my heart that no one else, and I mean, no one else will ever have. I love them completely, and that will never change, even if I do end up maiming their father before we arrive at our destination.

“There aren’t enough seats Buddy, so I have to sit in the back for now. I’m sorry.” I ruffle his hair and he looks at me, still upset.

“I should have told you sooner.” he says quietly. “Then we wouldn’t have been so late.” His nose is turning red, which means he’s about to cry, and there is no way that I can handle that right now.

“Indy, we were late because I forgot where I put my ID. You saved us kiddo. If you hadn’t spoke up when you did, we would’ve missed the plane.”

He still looks uncertain, but nods. “Thank you Indy, for helping.” I kiss him on the top of the head and he hugs me, which makes me feel like I might start sobbing at any moment.

I stand up, and I see Karl and the flight attendant are still there. She obviously wants to take me my shitty seat and get on with her day. 

“Sorry,” I mutter, ignoring Karl. She nods and I follow after her. Karl doesn’t say anything, which is really his best option at that moment.

***********************************

I spend the first thirty minutes of the flight just breathing in and out.

Fuck this vacation. Fuck Karl for being so fucking practical and prepared all the time. Fuck sitting by myself - even though I fucking hate people right now - Fuck me for being a forgetful idiot. 

Once I run through that mantra a few times, I feel slightly less like slamming my head into the seat in front of me repeatedly.

Next, I move on to a little pouting, wondering what Karl and the kids were doing. Karl was probably reading through the scripts that he’d brought along, and taking away Hunter’s electronics so that the kid would read an actual book. No worries about that with Indy. He’s my reader. 

I smiled thinking about the kids. Right then my phone beeped, and I had a message from Hunter.

Hi Chris

Hey Bud - everything OK?

are you mad at Dad?

I was mad, but of course I didn’t want to involve the kids. Still, Hunter’s smart. Lying to him wouldn’t work either. Kids just get dragged along into the misadventures of adults, which sucks. They just need to know that everything is ok, and we’re gonna have fun when we get there.

I am a little. I feel dumb about forgetting where my ID was, and we’re just stressed. It’ll be Ok though.

Can you come and talk to him? He keeps sighing really loud, and taking the same thing out of his bag and then putting it back. I think he’s upset.

I read the text and smiled, feeling a little evil. Karl hadn’t bothered to text me at all, or been back to make sure I wasn’t shoved in some overhead storage bin. Let him stew for awhile I thought. 

Don’t worry H, we’ll be Ok. We just need a little space right now. 

Ok. It’s boring up here though.

Boring back here too. Do you have your iPod?

No. Dad took it as soon as you left. He forgot to take my phone.

There is an empty seat next to me if things get too bad. 

Ok. Indy says Hi.

Hi Indy :)

I smiled again, thinking I was pretty damn lucky to have those two boys in my life. I was lucky to have Karl too, but right now, he was on my last fucking nerve. 

Besides that, he should know by now that he can’t outlast me when it comes to the silent treatment. 

I glanced at my watch. Only another 2 hours left. With a sigh, I closed my eyes, preparing for the longest plane flight ever.

“Excuse me, Mr. Pine?” I opened one eye when I heard the flight attendant’s voice. 

She stood there smiling, holding a tray with a martini on it. I looked at it in surprise.

“I didn’t order…”

“It’s from First Class sir.”

I raise my eyebrows, feigning confusion. On the inside though, I’m doing a fist pump.

“From Mr Urban.”

“Mr...oh, Mr Urban.” I try to sound like I’m just barely aware of who that might be. Juvenille I know, but it makes me feel better.

She sets the drink in front of me. Karl knows this is my preferred beverage in-flight. I usually have one right at take off, but, better late than never, right? There’s even a little bowl with extra olives. Very nice.

“Thank you very much.” I smile at her as she gives me a beverage napkin. 

She stands there expectantly for minute, and I look at her questioningly.

“Will there be anything else sir? Any...message...for Mr Urban?”

I consider a moment before answering. 

“No. Not at this time.” I smile sweetly and take a sip of my drink.

I knew that would drive Karl over the edge. We don’t fight too often. We just bicker like most people do, but when we fight, I’m usually the first person to give in. Sure, I sulk, but as soon as he makes the slightest gesture, I give in because...well...I love him, and life is short. Today for whatever reason, I don’t feel like one martini will do it for me.

I give the flight attendant about five minutes to deliver my “response”, and I have to admit, I’m a little surprised that I don’t see Karl coming down the aisle shortly after that. Apparently he’s pouting too. 

That’s fine, cause like I said, I can outlast the best of them. My inner angst usually goes toward a good performance for the camera. Today I’m using it to sulk and feel sorry for myself.

A little later, the girl is back, asking if I need anything. 

“Another martini would be great.” I smile. She nods and disappears up the aisle, and I close my eyes for another cat nap.

When I feel someone standing over me, I open my eyes, and there’s Karl Urban, with my martini in his hand. 

If I could high-five myself right now I would, but instead, I fight like hell to keep a smirk off my face. 

I sit up a little and he puts the glass in front of me, glancing at the seat that’s currently occupied by my backpack.

“Do you mind if I sit down?” he asks, with a slight edge to his voice.

I move the backpack to the floor in front of me and he takes the seat, looking down at his hands.

“Thanks for the drink.” I’m watching him, and I can’t quite gauge where his head is at.

“I’m sorry.”

He says it without looking at me. Now I can tell that he’s really just upset, and I feel kind of bad for being a moody bitch. Kind of.

“I kept thinking about all of our luggage being on the plane already, and the kids have been looking so forward to this…”

“I know.” I reach over and put my hand on his arm, and he finally glances at me.

“If it was me...you know, me that forgot, you really wouldn’t get on the plane?”

“No.” 

I mean it, because that’s just the person that I am. I’m not overly practical, I’m obviously absent-minded, and I wouldn’t leave my significant other alone in some airport because of a stupid mistake that was their own dumb fault. Karl doesn’t get it though, because he’d never forget his ID in the first place.

“I just wish you would’ve said something to me about what you were thinking before you took out your passport and…”

“Not like we had time.” he pointed out.

I nod and move to thread my fingers through his. “I’m sorry too. I ...I was nervous about the trip, and i just forgot that I…”

“Nervous? Why?” He’s looking at me now, with those intense hazel eyes that won’t let you get away.

“Because...” I shrug like I don’t know the reason, even though it’s been eating at me all day. 

“This is our first trip with the kids...you know? I want them to be OK with me.” Karl gives me a shocked look and leans a little closer. 

“Chris…” he starts to say something, then covers our joined hands with his free one. “The boys love you. You know that, don’t you?” 

The look of concern in his eyes makes my stomach flip, and I wish we weren’t on a plane right now so that I could get closer to him.

“Yeah. I love them too. But this is kind of a big step. I just wanted everything to be perfect. That plan hasn’t worked out so well.”

“Sweetheart…” He smiles and reaches up, just barely touching my face with his fingertips. “I’ve been sitting up there for the last half hour, listening to the two of them talk about all the things they want to do with you once we get there.”

“Really?” I feel myself blushing, which I hate. Karl is nodding and smiling at me though, so I try not to worry about it.

“You don’t have to do anything special for them. Just be you, and that’s enough for us.”

His words are so sweet that I actually gasp, and I know I’m going to start bawling in the coach section of this goddamn plane.

I sniffle, and he looks a little stricken. “Please don’t cry”

“Then stop talking.” I tell him, my voice catching. 

Nobody is paying attention to us at the moment, so he leans over and kisses me on the forehead, which of course, makes me cry harder. 

“Love you.” he whispers.

I nod, and then I feel him smiling.

“I still don’t understand how someone so fucking gifted and intelligent can forget that they…”

“You’re killing the moment Karl.” I mutter the words into his chest and he laughs, bringing our joined hands up to his lips, kissing my knuckles.

“Finish your drink. I’m going to go check on the boys.”

“Are you coming back?” I ask. 

“Always.”

 

 

 

So, we finally made it to our destination, and things have gone pretty smoothly over the past week. We’re staying in a three bedroom condo on the beach. Full kitchen - Karl makes the BEST breakfasts ever, deck, hot tub, gorgeous view of the ocean. 

We’ve gone parasailing, shopping, waterskiing. We all went for a long drive along the coast and did some touristy stuff, and I think we’ve seen every “site” within a fifty mile radius.  
I think I mentioned before that our vacation planner - that would be Karl - keeps us on a pretty tight schedule. 

The boys have been awesome and seem to be having a lot of fun. Things between them get a little tense when they’re tired or hungry, but I can usually talk them through it.

Karl has only had to bring the hammer down once, when Hunter was kind of testing the limits. Hey, he’s almost 11, it’s gonna happen. I love watching Karl with his boys. He’s a great dad.

I have been a great boyfriend. No complaining about the non-stop schedule, or the fact that I have not been allowed to “lounge around” and read a book. I always thought the sole purpose of a vacation was to “lounge,” but apparently I was laboring under a gross misconception. The purpose of a vacation is to cram as much activity as possible into a short span of time, sleep, and get up the next day to do it again.  
Frankly I’m surprised that we’re staying in such a nice condo, since the only thing we do in it is sleep. Correction, we eat breakfast and shower too, and we have had a couple of dinners here. Usually though, we don’t get back from whatever we’re doing until pretty late, so we eat out. So yeah, eat, sleep, shower. I sat on the deck the first day for about ten minutes, but then Karl found me and we had to go. 

One thing Karl and I are not doing in the condo, or anywhere else, is having sex. 

It took me less than six hours after we got here to realize that there are two kinds of vacations: Vacations with kids, and vacations with sex. You can’t have both at the same time. Besides, there’s no way I’m gonna risk getting caught in any kind of compromising position with two kids on the other side of the condo. I guess I have to admit that we did have that one...sexual emergency...We took care of it in the walk-in closet of our bedroom. 

The boys were down on the beach, and I made up something about needing more sunscreen, even though we already had a vat of the stuff in the pocket of my beach chair. Karl came upstairs to help me “find it.”

We decided on the walk-in closet ‘cause it was the innermost part of the whole place and we could lock the door. It was like one of those experiences in high school where you have to get it over with as quickly as possible in case your parents walk in. Only this time, it was kids we were worried about. All in all, it served a purpose, but was not very satisfying. After that, I decided it wasn’t worth the planning and anxiety. Better to focus on the kids. It is awesome to have this time to bond with them and make memories.

Still, by the second to last day of our trip, I was ready to go home. This place was beautiful, but it was so motherfucking hot that unless you’re on the beach before nine or after five, the sand burns two layers of skin off your feet. 

Also, I’m tired of coating on sunscreen with a paintbrush, while the bronze god and his offspring just get darker. Karl can wear Coppertone, which is really just baby oil with a different label. There is no SPF in that shit. Who does that anymore? 

The last straw was what I now like to refer to as “the reptile incident.”

We had been out on the surface of the sun, otherwise know as the beach, for about an hour. We came in to grab some lunch and go to an aquarium that the boys wanted to see. It sounded fun, but as soon as we walked in the door, and the air conditioning hit me, I was done. 

I sank down on the bed like a deflated balloon.

“You Ok?” Karl looked at me and put his hand on my forehead. “You’re hot.”

I gave him a withering look. “Can’t imagine why.” I snarked. 

“You don’t drink enough water. “ he told me. “Just rest for a minute and I’ll make us some lunch.”

I watched in shock as he walked out of the room. I must look like shit if he’s telling me to rest.

I laid down on the bed and closed my eyes. I felt like I was floating, or...spinning. Maybe Karl was right about the water. I forced myself to sit up and then stand, swaying a little until I put my hand down on the nightstand. 

I walked into the bathroom, intending to get the bottle of water I’d left in there earlier, and that’s when I saw it. In the corner between the tub and the toilet. A lizard. A huge motherfucking fork-tongued lizard. 

I’m sure the first sound that I made sounded something like a dying animal. I wasn’t dying...I was scared out of my wits.

“HOLY FUCK!” 

I backed up, and in doing so, pushed the bathroom door closed. Now I was trapped in a confined space with that thing. It looked up at me with it’s diamond eyes and I literally thought I was going to shit my pants. I was still screaming, and I could hear footsteps running into the room.

“Chris! Open the door!” I was pressed up against it, trying to get as far away from that thing as I could. The problem was that the door opened in, so Karl couldn’t open it. 

“Can’t!” I croaked out. The lizard made a noise and moved. If I could have crawled up the wall right then, I would have. Karl was pushing against the door and I was pushing back, trying to get away. I just knew that at any second, that thing was gonna lunge at me and crawl up the side of my leg.

It slithered toward me again and I reached around to pull on the door knob. 

“God dammit! Let me…” Karl pushed on the door one last time and ended up pushing against my chest, until I was backed up against the wall of the bathroom.

I screamed again...I wish I could say I yelled but it really was more of a totally unmanly scream, and Karl followed my gaze.

“Oh shit.” he said, almost calmly.

“Let me out! Out!” I clawed at him and pushed him out of the way. He followed me and I turned around, expecting that minion of Satan to be right on his heels.

“Close the door! Close the fucking door!!” I was shouting, just now noticing both boys were standing in the doorway of the bedroom.

“It’s Ok.” Karl said, still in that irritatingly calm voice.

“What’s in there Dad?” Hunter asked, trying to see before Karl closed the door all the way.

“It’s just a little lizard. I’ll get it out after we have lunch.”

“I wanna see!” Indy actually jumped up and down with excitement.

“No!” It came out more harshly than I intended, but I didn’t care at that point. “Don’t open the door, Karl!”

“Calm down. I’m not opening the door.” He walked toward me slowly and I finally took a full breath, feeling not quite so terrified. “Let’s just have lunch and then I’ll get it out of there.”

“I thought it was only spiders you hated.” he said, as he guided me and the boys out of the room.

“I hate those things, too. Their disgusting, and they slither.”

I did a full body shiver and sat down at the table, running a hand through my hair. Now I felt more light headed than ever.

We ate lunch, and I let Karl make me drink two bottles of water. I actually did feel a little better, even though I kept thinking about that gross thing in the bathroom. 

I kept imagining it come out through the crack under the door, or somehow unlocking it, just so it could come out and torture us. 

“You guys clean up. I’m gonna go fix this problem, and then we’ll be on our way.” With that Karl pushed away from the table and headed back to the bedroom with a confident stride. 

I stifled a yawn, trying to dig deep and find the energy for this afternoon’s excursion. I really wanted nothing more than a nap in a lizard-free environment, but, it was almost our last day. I could do this. 

“You boys ready to go?” Karl asked when he emerged fifteen minutes later. I was now sitting at the breakfast bar, with my head in my hand, eyes closed. When I heard Karl’s voice, I sat up, and ran a hand over my face.

“What did you do with the…”

I turned around and there was Karl, right in front of me, with that fucking gila monster in his hands and a shit-eating grin on his face.

He took another step toward me, and I hopped off the chair, almost falling flat on my ass. 

“What the fuck?!” 

He was just grinning at me like this was funny. It’s not funny when your significant other dies of a heart attack right in front of you.

“Get that thing away from me, you asshole!!” 

I could hear Hunter laughing, and I realized absently that I probably shouldn’t be using this language in front of them, but goddammit, I told him I didn’t like lizards. I hate them.

Karl lunged at me with a giggle and I got out of the way, pretty much running to the bedroom and slamming the door behind me.

I threw myself on the bed and covered my head with the pillow. A couple of minutes later there was a knock on the door.

“Chris?”

“Go. Away.”

Silence and then another knock. I didn’t lock the door, and after a moment I hear the door knob turning. I stay buried under the pillow as his weight dipped the bed.

“Hey…” his hand rests tentatively in between my shoulder blades. “You’re coming with us, right?”

I lay there for a minute, and then whip the pillow off of my head. 

“Seriously?” I glare at him with what I know are bloodshot eyes. Even the whites of my eyes are sunburned at this point.

“It was just a joke Chris, I didn’t mean…”

“Well it wasn’t fucking funny.” My chest suddenly gets tight and I will myself not to cry. I cry, not only when I’m touched, or sad, but also when I’m REALLY angry, and I hate it.

“You did get a laugh out of it though, from the boys. That was awesome.”

Karl glances down for a minute and takes his hand off my back. 

“I’m sorry.” he says. I know he means it, but I’m completely done right now. I just want to go to sleep.

“I really just need to sleep right now. I’m hot and sunburned, and a little traumatized.”

I let out a sigh and lay down again, looking at the wall. “Just go have fun with them and when you get back we can...I don’t know….do something.”

Karl looks at me for a minute like he’s considering something, then he nods. “Ok.” 

He rubs my arm and then pushes up off the bed. I watch as he walks over and slowly closes the bathroom door.

“I put it outside.” he offers. “The lizard.”

“Thanks.” I mumble, already half-asleep.

I wasn't sure how long I'd been asleep, but the next thing I remember was feeling someone running their fingers through my hair and massaging my scalp. When I sighed and turned on my side, I felt a big warm body wrap around mine. I snuggled closer and Karl tightened his arm around my waist.

"Hey sleepyhead."

"...time is it?

"About 4:30."

I opened my eyes a little, surprised I'd been out that long.

"How was the aquarium?"

"We didn't go." Karl brushed his lips against my neck as I processed this information. 

"Why not?" I turned over so that I could look at him and he gave me this sweet kind of sad smile. Sometimes I still have to pinch myself when I think about us being together.

"They didn't want to go without you"

Before I could answer he continued, "Indy says you've been reading that book about sharks with him. Now Hunter wants to read it, too." 

I smile, feeling proud and a little awed that the kids were thinking about me.

Karl reaches up and touches my face gently. "You're amazing with them, you know?"

"It's not hard. They're amazing kids."

Karl moves closer and pulls me into a hug, throwing his leg over both of mine so I can't really move.I just close my eyes and relax against him. I'm still kind of mad, but, I can't resist his hugs.

Finally he pulls back but doesn't really look at me. "That in itself is surprising, considering their dad is a complete idiot."

Huh? I give him a confused look when he finally glances at me.

"I'm sorry about earlier. You were right. It wasn't funny. It was just...mean. I..."

'It's Ok." That's pretty much my knee jerk response when somebody tries to apologize to me. Like even though they screwed up, deep down it really is my fault.

"No, it's not Chris." His tone is harsh but I know he’s angry at himself - not me.

"I scared you. I saw that look on your face when I finally got into the bathroom, and I did it anyway.” Karl leans closer until our foreheads are touching. “I’m sorry…”

"Just...don't do anything like that again. Ok?" I look at him and he nods.

“I really don’t like clowns, or harlequins. I used to have nightmares about them as a kid.”

I look at him in total confusion. “You’re afraid of romance novels?” 

“What?” Karl looks at me like I am crazy. “No! Harlequins are those clown things that wear the chequered suits. They’re kind of...sinister.”

“Oh.” I scoot down until I can rest my head on his shoulder. He starts to move his leg but I move it back. I like feeling the weight of it on my thighs. 

“Well...next time I find one in a hotel bathroom, I’ll send it your way, then we’ll be even.”

He smiled down at me, and I noticed his eyes are a brighter green than usual, probably because he's so tan right now. 

He's beautiful and he's mine. I think I'll keep him. Even if he doesn't understand phobias.

"I'm sorry." He whispers it this time, and kisses me, rolling me over onto my back. Kissing is another thing that Karl is insanely good at. When he kisses me, I feel it everywhere.

"I miss you." Kissing with the added accent is lethal. 

"I don’t think this is the time for another emergency.” I remind him even as my hands move up under his shirt. 

He sighs in resignation and kisses my neck, his lips soft against my skin.

“So...if you didn’t go to the aquarium, what have you been doing?”

“I’ve been in time-out.” Karl said, his mouth still moving against my neck.

“You’ve been what?” I immediately push up on an elbow, not sure I’d heard correctly.

“In time out. The boys informed me that if one of them had done that to the other, there would have been consequences. So…”

“You’re serious.” I’m still not buying it.

“Yep. We have done nothing for the last three hours.” 

Karl puts his hands behind his head and looks up at the ceiling. “Well, we did go get ice cream and they’ve been watching Nickelodeon. I had to sit and wait for you to wake up.”

I giggle at the thought, picturing my restless Kiwi, pacing while the boys watched reruns of “Kickin’ It” and “Sam and Cat.” 

“Wow. Well, three hours of Nick is punishment enough.” I laugh. 

“Maybe. I still want to make it up to you. I have big plans for us when we get home.”

I lay back down on top of him, resting my chin on his chest. “You do huh?”

“I think we need a staycation.” 

I think about this for a minute. I could only imagine what would happen if Karl had a whole week at home to run me around, with no interruptions.

“What are we doing?” I ask. “Running a 10K...or are we gonna paint the house?”

“Funny.” he deadpans. He gives me a tight squeeze when I start laughing. 

“Actually, I don’t plan on letting you out of the house at all.” He quirks an eyebrow and I shiver a little at the thought.

“Are you gonna feed me?” I inquire.

“Breakfast in bed. No alarm clock.”

“Movies?”

“Netflix is available 24/7.”

“What about…” 

“I don’t see either of us being able to walk really. Certainly not after the second day.”

I am struck speechless for a second, but my dick responds to that idea immediately, and Karl chuckles. “There’s one vote in favor.” he drawls.

“If neither of us can walk though, how are you gonna cook?”

“For you, Sweetheart, I’ll figure something out.”

I lean up and kiss him, holding his face in my hands. “So how do I book this trip?”

“I know the travel agent,” he smiles. “I’ll make all the arrangements.”

“Sounds like heaven.” I whisper.. 

He brushes his lips against mine, his warm tongue pushing into my mouth as he rolls me over again. I give up trying to resist, and wrap myself around him. I’d say we had a good ten seconds of bliss before reality reared it’s ugly head.

“Dad! Is Chris awake?” Hunter’s voice was loud and clear on the other side of the door. “We’re starving!”

“Saved by the kid.” Karl mumbles.

“Thank God…” I roll my eyes and Karl smiles, wrapping me up in one more hug.

We went out to an early dinner, and the boys informed us that the aquarium was actually open until 8pm. We all got to go to the exhibit together, which was great.

Standing at the shark tank with my non-traditional family, listening as Indy and Hunter recite obscure factoids about sharks to their smiling dad, I decided that a vacation with Karl Urban was in fact, the very definition of awesome.


End file.
